I’ve recently had a surge of energy in regards to my love life. If you know me, then you know I have been single for most of my time in LA. Ten years and counting…Yep, about 8.5 years of that time, I’ve been dolo! But don’t get it twisted… I have dated a ton of fools! Too many really. So many that I am seriously considering turning this blog and my tragically hilarious dating stories into a series. For real.
When it comes to dating, I tend to have a love-hate relationship with the idea. I’ve been a serial monogamous my entire life, though many like to assume otherwise. That’s just the way I’m built. I have never enjoyed the superficial/mundane surface interactions, conversations and behaviors of dating someone new/casually. Other than the occasional butterflies and nerves, its all pretty boring to me. I know right? Funny, the one thing people in this town seem to feed off of; being superficial and able to rapidly change scenery, faces/beds, is the one thing that I can’t get with. Everyone has this idea that if they hold out a bit longer, they can find something or someone better, so why commit. All the while, time keeps creeping by, next thing they know, they’re far past their prime, alone and hanging out at Fridays on a Wednesday night. Damn shame.
The casual thing has never been for me but I’ve tried it. When I was 22, I was dating 3 guys in the same apartment complex (different parts of the complex, of course. Did I mention I worked there??? I know…smh) and that was incredibly draining. Having to recall what I knew about one guy, so that I didn’t ask another; trying to find that cozy warm comfort with one, while comparing him to the other. It was just too much. Essentially, if a had magical powers, I would have combined different attributes of all three into one guy. But, that was not the case and the longer it went on, the more over it a became. I am a bit different in the sense that I enjoy knowing one person, being great friends, knowing what he is thinking before he says it and knowing things that he would only would tell someone he truly trusted. That’s what gets me off. And since it seems most men here prefer to change chicks like underwear, its more than hard to make a true connection. So, I have always been on the fence about dating.
I’ve had my fair share of phases of being “on”, as I like to call it. Going out on two dates a week; trying the online thing. Going out, open to the chance of meeting someone, as opposed to my usual, going out cause I feel like it and fuck what everyone else is doing. But, I had to ask myself in regards to my past “on” phases, “Despite being out physically, was I really there? Mentally? Emotionally?” The answer was “No”.
There is a huge difference in being ready to date and being ready to meet someone special. Being open to the possibilities is one thing but being open to allowing someone in is another. It requires a strength that only God can provide. Well, if you have had any dating experiences like mine, it does. It requires no longer having your guard up and letting a complete stranger, who could be crazy, a jerk-off or a sociopath, into the parts of you that can be injured on the deepest level. How easy it is to protect your heart…so much more than exposing it. But when you want love, you must be love. You must give in order to receive.
Now, the question is, how do you go about reversing such a second hand reaction? It has become so natural for me that I don’t even realize it at times. I’ve never been an easy nut to crack (I like easy and get turned off just as fast. I love rarely but when I do, I love hard) but these I-hate-dating-in-LA force fields of mine are impenetrable these days. Rightly so.
So, I’ve been consciously working on being more open. Here are some mindsets I have adopted:
1. Remain present in all interactions with the opposite sex. I’m a very future focused person (Aquarius). Sometimes to a fault. Remaining present helps me stay aware of not reacting based on what I think may happen but what is happening.
2. Patience. Men often show you more of themselves when you say less and watch more. I find, in La at least, guys tend to show their ass by week two, maybe three. So wait him out.
3. Do not verbally sabotage good feelings and interactions. Your words become things. So why speak about how Guy A is going to fuck up if it hasn’t even happened? Keep it light and positive. Have fun, make out a little but leave it there. Today is today and tomorrow has not come yet.
4. I’m pretty good at this already but I’m throwing it in the mix. Never put all your eggs in one basket. Meaning that it is okay to really like someone, but don’t give him power over your heart until he has fully and completely reciprocated. And that’s OK. Its OK to just really like someone and them you. No need to force it. Any man who really wants you isn’t going to let it just be “I like her and she likes me” for too long. This love thing should be easy. When two people are organically drawn to one another, it is what it is. It can’t be stopped. So, date other guys (he’s probably dating other girls. Let’s be real.) but know yourself and your heart and be very calculated when it comes to your heart and your body.
5. Don’t be afraid to walk away and do so without negative feelings. Timing is everything. I have dated so many guys that just weren’t ready for all of this. I had to let them go. Sure it sucked but trying to make a man do what he ain’t ready to is worse. So stop being afraid to lose him! It makes me cringe these days, when I hear women say “Well, I’m afraid if I tell him, then he won’t like me.” Like telling him or showing him later, when you are emotionally invested, is gonna be a better look? I often ask them “Lose what? A guy you don’t really have? The fairytale you’ve created in your mind, of the guy you don’t really know? You don’t really know him and he doesn’t know you. Its been three weeks and you guys are still meeting each others representatives!” This is what we do to ourselves daily. So afraid to lose something that isn’t even ours yet. When you are OK with the idea that not everybody is for you dating becomes easier. When I have to move on, I simply remind myself that there is another hot, perfectly imperfect male specimen, with an amazing brain and heart to match, who can dance, out there who will see me and what I need as if he painted it himself. LOL. Or you can simply say “He ain’t ready for me. He ain’t about this life (which is my favorite).” But keep it pushing! Life is too short! If he is for you it will happen.
And finally…I think my favorite one is #6.
Let a man know what you think about him- good or bad. If you are serious about your feelings and want a man to take you seriously, then put it out there. If he freaks out, he’s probably not for you. This is my new favorite because I personally enjoy dropping random comments and compliments that make even the manliest man blush. That’s my shit. I little mystery is always great but sometimes you just need to say “Hey, you’re inside-out hot. I think we would have hot babies together.” Who cares! What do you have to lose? I know that some times men are just as confused as we are. I’ve been told many times that I am hard to read (that Aquarius thing again…) which I don’t mind. But there are certain people and certain circumstances where transparency goes a long way.
So, if you are like me, you no longer need to protect yourself all the time. Be smart, be fun, be love but don’t be afraid!!! Great achievements require great risks!
Love should be simple. It doesn’t have to be so hard. This is Tetris baby.